Driving 101 for Newbies*

Hello, I’m back… After a year.

I’ve been wanting to do a driving “guide” for new drivers around the area for a few weeks now. I’ve been putting it off because I’ve been incredibly lazy to do just a little bit of research about a few things here and there. But I realized I just have to do a post about this before the idea completely disappears from my brilliant mind. I also think that 4 years of driving around the (small) same area has made me qualified to do a basic guide about driving. So if you think you’re already an expert driver**, I suggest you lay off the post and continue being the wonderful driver that you are and bring joy to all the other people out there on the road with you.

To those who just started driving (or if you’re a foreigner who just started driving around our country), feel free to pick up nuggets of wisdom within my post, apply it your pathetic mediocre driving skills and for sure, you’ll be among the best drivers around town!

*This guide is not meant to be taken seriously. I'm being sarcastic. I'm also aware this might seem insensitive to people who've been in accidents so you have the option to click the X button and go on with your lives. 
**Douche

WARNING: long post ahead. 

Ready? Okay.

First of all, I hail from Cebu City, which has a very different traffic flow from the country’s capital, Manila. No offense to people from Manila but I’ve been there and the traffic is so bad, travel time is longer and more frustrating. Plus you have buses and trains, making it more chaotic than the traffic here in Cebu. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not saying Cebu traffic is all rainbows and unicorns. For the past few years, the traffic here is also getting from bad to worse but we don’t have big buses cutting as off most of the time or trains or those other means of transportation that’s only available in Manila. If Cebu had all those coupled with being a small city, I’d be crying every time I’d think of having to drive. My point here is, this guide is stemming from my experience driving around Cebu but that doesn't mean you can’t apply some of it while driving around other cities because my guide is awesome like that. Now unto the topic!

What you need:

•  A car (duh.)
•  A driver’s license/student permit but you must be accompanied by someone with a non-professional driver’s license.  Life hack #1: Just carry loads of cash to pay off traffic officers if you “forgot” to bring one.
• Car registration. Life hack #2: Just carry loads of cash to pay off traffic officers if you “forgot” to bring one.
• Courage (thick skin, more likely) to be a good driver**
• Courtesy. LOLJK. If you show courtesy all the time, you won’t reach your destination. Throw this out the window. Be a man! You are now in the Philippines.
• Extra money for life hacks.

The enemy:

Be wary of these monsters on the road for they are your obstacles to reaching your full potential… and getting to the place you want to be on time. I call them the holy trinity. Blasphemous, I know. But I’m just being me.   

1. Jeepneys

-       Public transportation vehicle that is unique to our country. There are billions (exaggerated if your tiny mind could not comprehend that) of them in the country. They go through different, designated routes while loading and unloading passengers on the way. Most affordable way to travel.

Source: Google

-       Basically, the drivers think they are above the law. They are fond of stopping in the middle of the road to load and unload passengers, overcrowd their vehicles claiming there are still seats left, change lanes without signals, cut other vehicles off to chase one possible passenger (seriously), etc. To be honest, I think they are the reason traffic’s so bad in the country. So much for being one of the country’s symbols of Philippine culture.

2. Taxis

-       Nuff’ said.

Source: Google

-       Always in a hurry, likes to cut people off, tailgaiting at its worse, broken signal lights, changing lanes really fast, makes you pay damages from accidents caused by them because they could not afford it, lose their temper when you wouldn't let them change lanes during heavy traffic, etc.

3. Motorcycles
-       The two wheeled menace that weaves in and out between vehicles.

Note: Not all motorcycles here look this good.

-   “Look at me! I can weave through traffic while making that annoying engine noise! Look how manly I am! And I’m doing it without a helmet!” *crash* “It’s the car’s driver’s fault! They must pay for all the damages caused by me. HUHU.”

-   “I can carry passengers on this thing? Cool! Let me just get my wife, baby, mother, father, neighbors on this thing and we’re off to somewhere in one trip. I’m sure the motorcycle can handle the sheer amount of passengers.”

Additional Foes:
-   Basically any other driver that isn't you. Remember, YOU ARE the star here. You're the best driver here. Everyone else is either too slow, too fast, too ugly, too young, too old, etc. Everyone is a lame driver except you.

HOW TO READ THE TRAFFIC LIGHT:

• GREEN: Go.
• ORANGE: OMG GONNA BE RED IN 3 SECONDS BETTER SPEED UP
• RED: Awww, you didn't make it. Stop. Or if you're in the mood to cause accidents or talk to a traffic officer then you know what to do.

COMMON TRAFFIC SIGNS:

- Strictly observed in the presence of a traffic officer (TO) but completely ignored in the absence of one. True story.

1. NO STOPPING ANYTIME

- What it actually means: LOLJK don't mind the sign. Stop anytime, anywhere. For extra precaution, turn the hazard light on.

2. JEEPNEY STOP

Lovely couple underneath the sign. Don't know them though. Got this pic off Google.

-  A stop where Jeepneys can load and unload passengers.
-  Jeepney territory with Taxis occasionally dropping off passengers here.

3. NO PARKING
- Park here anytime, all the time! Don't mind angry motorists saying you are causing traffic. You own the road!

4. NO U-TURN/ NO RIGHT TURN/ NO LEFT TURN
- Why do people even bother putting up these signs? Turn anywhere to your heart's content! Traffic laws here are basically non existent! You're the star.

5. SPEED LIMITS
- Speed limits? What speed limit?

6. OBSERVE SINGLE LANE
- Don't.

7. NO ENTRY
- Is anyone else looking? No one? Then enter.

8. ONE WAY
- Enter that road the opposite way to show you own them bitchaaaaz.

9. PARKING FOR PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES
- Pretend you have one. 

10. ALL OTHER TRAFFIC SIGNS
- Pretend you didn't see them. 

I think you're now getting the idea? You're probably wondering why almost every traffic sign here isn't taken seriously. That's because people here don't really give a damn about them. As I've mentioned, traffic laws here are basically non-existent. Ignore these signs all you want. You're the boss, the star. 

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN ON THE ROAD and little tips:

-  If a road has 2 lanes, expect people to actually ignore that and add another lane, disregarding those lines separating each lane on the road. Why, you ask? Because drivers are above the law and they pride themselves on conserving space. Duh. I even came up with a simple mathematical equation for that:

• x = No. of lanes
• Therefore, x + 1 or in extreme cases of traffic, x + 2 or 3

-  People will change lanes whether you're driving close behind them or not. They don't seem to think signal lights are important. Drivers can't stick to one lane. True Story.
-  You can text, call, eat, talk, sleep, drink or whatever it is you wanna do while driving. No one will mind and no one's the boss of you.
-  Drunk driving just became illegal this year... or did it?
-  People will drive very close to you. Very, very close. Like 2 inches away from your bumper during heavy traffic. Conserve space, y'all.
- People will cross the street regardless of what the the traffic light is showing. Some will make the road their runway and some will run like their being chased. Run them over to make the world a better place.
-  Even with the presence of Skywalks, people will choose to run across the road beneath it because they're stupid. Run them over for natural selection.
- When the red light comes on, expect a different variety of beggars and vendors tapping your window. Be nice or otherwise they'll scratch your car and you really couldn't do anything about it.
-  If you drive a sports car, prepare to be disappointed. You really can't go all Fast and Furious here with the traffic, people randomly crossing the road, short and small roads with potholes. You can drive it around town for show though. Expect envious, judging stares.
-  Avoid accidents. Duh. Not only will it cause more traffic, the process of clearing everything up will take forever and officers will also see this as an opportunity for extortion.
-  You will have to share your road with sikads, tricycles and suicidal bikers who'd like to do exhibitions in the middle of the highway.

Sikad.

-  In other countries, it is considered rude to honk your horn unless it's really important. But this is the Philippines! Honk away!
-  At night, douchey drivers like to show off HID headlights and blind other drivers. Retaliate by turning your headlights on high beam and harass them until they understand their douchery and keep their light down. 
-  It's perfectly normal to see 10 people on a motorcycle. Didn't you know it's safe?
-  See a driver whose driving is a hazard to everyone on the road? Complain to the very efficient LTFRB and expect to hear from them after 100 years.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE CAUGHT BY A T.O:

Honest mistake or not, you will not be given a warning unlike other countries. Every vehicle pulled over will involve some sort of negotiation between the T.O and driver that'll always end with the driver paying a certain amount of money... unless you are one of the following below. Each category will have tips to weasel your way out of being extorted.

1. PRETTY FEMALES

• Feign ignorance
• Bat your pretty little eyes
• Smile sweetly
• Act all innocent
• Beg sweetly to be let off with a warning
• Flirt a bit

2. SEXY FEMALES (If you're not pretty but have a banging body)

• Flaunt your asset (boobs, butt, legs, etc.)
• Beg sweetly to be let off with a warning
• Boost the TOs ego a bit

3. MALES
-  Ugly or handsome it really wouldn't matter. TOs are mostly male and female ones are unlikely to be swayed by whatever wink you throw them

• Be polite and beg to be let off with just a warning

4. IF YOU ARE FILTHY RICH OR A PERSON WITH INFLUENCE
-  Argh. How dare they pull you over? Didn't they see the power emanating from the car you were driving? Your customized plate number? You are above all the petty laws in this country. You're *insert powerful figure name here* 's sister in law of his second cousin's servant twice removed or whatever familial connection it is you have with this person.

• Drop the name, state your relation all the while acting nonchalant
• Ask for the TO's name and who he is under saying you want to deal with this directly with their head, then name drop again

5. FOREIGNERS

-  I'm sorry to say foreigners will have a bit of difficulty getting off with just a warning because TOs will see this as an opportunity to earn extra money. TOs will deal with this in 2 ways: 

• be friendly hoping to be given something in dollars or 
• be extremely rude to show that they have all the power and will make up rules that will scare you into giving them money. 

-  Unless you want to be treated rudely (and some TOs will actually go to great lengths to make a scene making you the bad, foreign guy abusing the laws in the country), do the ff.:

• Be polite no matter how much you want to punch them
• Explain it was an honest mistake, you are a foreigner after all
• If after polite small talk explaining why you did what you did and the TO still doesn't let you go, I'm afraid you will have to give them something "for being understanding"

-  If you are neither any of the people above, then I'm afraid you'll have to cough up the extra money I told you you'll need for life hacks. Poor you.

What NOT to do if you're caught:

- Tell the TO you'll pay them off within an earshot of other people. TOs will refuse the money because it would reflect badly on him and will do a great show of insisting to take your license or having your car impounded. 

- Make a scene. You are the one who is in the wrong since you broke a law and the TOs have all the power here unless you manipulate talk to them the right way.

- Be haughty. You can be haughty if you are extremely sure you can be let off (e.g: Your dad is the head of the TO's office, etc.)


There you have it! Very basic and informative for all you driving noobs out there, who stick to one lane and let other drivers push them around. It's time to wake up and adapt to the Filipino way of driving, which is turning a blind eye to safe driving and traffic laws. Once again, make sure you have extra money to pay off those traffic officers if ever you're caught. 

Welcome to the country of non-existent traffic laws! Have fun driving and spread the douchery!
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If you didn't read the tiny text above, this post was meant to be sarcastic and point out usual practices of drivers here in Cebu and other cities in the country. Exaggerated? Yeah, some bits actually are. Most of them, however, are actually my honest observations while driving around. I've been driving to the same places for the past 4 years so I've observed plenty. I also think it's time to increase the Traffic Officers' salary in our country so that they'd actually take their jobs seriously and discipline those who break traffic rules fairly and not see them as an opportunity to make extra money.

Images from Google and are not mine.